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BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS SO FAR....

DAVID DAVIS:
We have a firm mandate for Brexit!

EU:
Ha. No you don't. Your government just lost its majority spectacularly, and you're having to deal with fringe hate groups even to cling to power. Your leader is a joke.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to control and vet our immigrants!

EU:
You already can. Germany have been monitoring all immigrants for years, it's just that previous Labour and Tory governments didn't want to spend the cash.

DAVID DAVIS:
We want to be able to make our own laws!

EU:
You already can, and do. That's why Germany have laws in place to protect citizens from things like cheap flammable building cladding, and Britain don't. As always, for you Tories, it's always just about money.

DAVID DAVIS:
OK. Well we want to do a deal with Germany. They're the only country that counts any way, and we really like their cars. Like Trump said, come on Germany? Let's do a deal?

GERMANY:
Hop it. We are part of the EU. We're wouldn't sell out the other states for you, even if we could. Which we can't. They're called rules for a reason.

DAVID DAVIS:
But Brit....

EU:
We warned you.

DAVID DAVIS:
Oh bugger. OK, well the absolute minimum Britain will accept, is if we can arrange the new trade deals at the same time as arranging the divorce. Non-negotiable!

EU:
Nope. Not gonna happen. Never was. We've said that from the beginning. You've been feeding your citizens false promises and nonsense, now you're gonna have to pay the piper.

DAVID DAVIS:
Sh*t. What are our options?

EU:
Well, you can either sling your hook and totally tank your economy, or you can be like one of the other trading nations that aren't full members.

DAVID DAVIS:
Erm (scratching head)... what does that mean?

EU:
It means you'd keep your trading rights like you had before. But have absolutely zero say in EU legislation and negotiations, no seat at the table, no rebate, and you'd still have to pay an exit bill. AND you'd have to abide by EU trade laws, including free movement.

DAVID DAVIS:
(loosening tie) I need water.

EU:
You need your head tested.